Thursday, August 14, 2008

It could happen to you

When will we learn?

Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from
certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from
Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read their email with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

Received from February

11 comments:

  1. Well, all you need to do is download the latest video of Britney Spears having sex with Paris Hilton while being cheered on by Nigerian scammers and the virus your computer gets will cause it to explode, thereby curing all your problems.
    So there!

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  2. Yes, it has all happened to me as well, in spades. Lol

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  3. aaahhh been there... lol
    hugs
    d

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  4. LOL...I guess I'm not the only one who gets them.  Linda in WA  

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  5. Never had the pleasure of receiving such information.  But it just goes to prove that the International Organization of Anti-Vagabonds has done its job well.

    PS, you should scrub, sanatize and bleach your can opener after every use.  Don't worry about the taste of the bleach in your beans.  It's worth it.
                                                                                                      D

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  6. OH Bill, it was better not knowing wasnt it? Something is bound to kill us sooner or later...lol, and yes, I had my hand on the mouse! UGH! LOL Kelly

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  7. Bill, I've found a concern I never thought about before, but Winniy, my friend, who had a horrible experience, put me on to it.  Never put doen you toilet seat because the python that's crawling through the pipes can't get out and will do serious damage to you when you sit down.              D

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  8. LOL, I think it has already happened to me! Glad I found your new blog.

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  9. Thanks for stopping by my journal! That story was GREAT! I read it to my husband about 5 facts into it and he got a kick out of it also. Have a great weekend! I am following you now also ;) It is a pleasure to meet you Bill.

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  10. Oh, this is hilarious!

    Krissy :)

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